The End

(be warned - this is LONG)

As you've read previously, I never wanted to breastfeed. And to be honest, I'm very surprised I lasted as long as I have. I have always been insecure about my body, especially my boobs, and when it came to thinking I had to risk having someone see them, I got the highest anxiety. I remember sitting in the hospital, hours after my son was born, with a nurse squeezing my nipples to get milk out as my son wouldn't latch - and all I could think was how I I didn't want my breasts out, I wasn't ready to be so open and vulnerable.

No one ever talks about how hard breastfeeding is. When you're pregnant, the only thought that really crosses your mind is if you will, or you wont. I had friends who breastfed but it was less than a handful. The majority bottle fed, whether it be formula or pumped milk. I had friends who had low supply, who never produced, and who just decided it wasn't for them. My hospital bag was ready with formula samples I had received, and a stack of bottles with a Medela pump.

I can still feel the butterflies in my stomach from the first few nights at the hospital. And when I close my eyes, sometimes I can hear the screaming and feel the stress from this little baby I grew, who absolutely refused to feed. Although I had an amazing midwife, with an amazing birth (it was long, and painful, but it was supportive and calming), I felt like no one really helped to show me how to feed him. He was a strong one, even the midwives used to comment on the strength of his neck and how he rejected my breasts. We would have to use so much force to get him to latch, and went in every position possible. My partner and mother were in my ear telling me to lie him this way, tilt him that way, try harder. I wanted to grab out my bottles and be done with it. I never felt more stress in my entire life.

When he went to the NICU, they had me pumping for top ups as he was losing weight. I remember feeling so accomplished to pump 20 ML, it was almost like magic to me. I still remember sitting in the NICU, after forcing him to keep latching on for the 30 minutes I had to, and after he had fallen asleep back in the incubator, I sat and watched him while I pumped. I realized then that I would try my hardest to do the best thing for him, no matter what it was.

When we got discharged on day 5, I still had no idea what I was doing, but I knew how to use a pump. We had found this midwife's number through one of my partners friend who had helped a few girls he knew to breastfeed. Blake was very adamant on my breastfeeding, which was shocking as I never felt men even thought about stuff like that. We had the midwife around the same day to help me teach my son how to latch. By the end of the day, I was frustrated and ready to be done with it but just kept it to myself. Day 6, I was alone with this baby and he didn't want to feed. He wanted nothing to do with it, but I just kept trying and trying, exhausted physically and emotionally, but still, I tried. I remember calling my partner saying how I didn't want to be a mum, I didn't want to be around him, I was so tired and it was too much. My mother in law came around and took him, with a bottle of formula, and let me regain my mind.

The one bottle here and there when I felt it wasn't working out turned into one bottle for night feeds, then 2 bottles at night.. eventually we were nearly fully bottle fed. They were a mix between pumped milk and formula. I did try to pump as much as I could, but some nights I just couldnt handle it. Get up, feed for an hour and baby back to sleep, pump for 20, package and run them down to the kitchen, sleep and up again 1.5 hours later. I didn't feel like I could function. I remember in the day just finish feeding him and my partner would bring him back 30 minutes later, screaming, starving. I remember missing out on dinners, time with adults, time to myself, because I was just feeding him so much and for so long. A bottle was just so easy... I just kept trying.

The only issue was that after every bottle, he would grunt and groan - his poo was filled with mucus and sometimes speckled with blood, and he never looked peaceful when he slept. I still remember being so confused about what I was doing, and I was lucky to have my mother in law and sister in law telling me how amazing I was doing, because I felt like a complete failure. Between formula, pumped, and breast - I was exhausted. Mentally, I felt like a failure, physically - I couldn't do the nights. He was still refusing me and I just didn't get why. We saw a few doctors, most who told us that it was colic, that's just babies, hes adjusting, formula is okay, do what you can. But I never felt like there was any answers. I remember taking recordings around to different doctors for different opinions and all of them just said the same thing. It wasn't until one day we were in emergency due to a high temp, that a paediatrician had recommended going off dairy and switching his formula to soy. I had never even heard of allergies to dairy but it later became my obsession in his life.

Week 5, still slowly cutting dairy with some improvement, we saw a doctor to assess for a lip tie. I was determined to find out why he wouldn't latch and what the issue was. No lip or tongue tie, thankfully but at the same time - I felt like I wanted to give up. The only thing that kept me going was that there was no real research on soy formula and its effects later in life that I was so hesitant to give it to him. When the doctor had suggested a low supply, and asked to see my son feed, I attempted to latch him and waited for the scream. The scream that never happened. he watched him and assessed, and gave me a script for Motilium to increase my supply, said to keep off the dairy and sent me on my way.

I remember leaving the office with a breath of relief. If he could latch, just once, without screaming and without forcing him on, there was hope. By week 6, he was 95% breastfed. Any time he would reject me, and the screams would send pain to my heart, I would close my eyes and breathe. His GP had diagnosed him with CMPA (cows milk protein allergy) and referred us to a paediatrician. Its all a blur those first 2 months, but the best thing I ever did was continue to breastfeed. We were dairy free, and fully breastfeeding by he was 8 weeks old. Sometimes he would have a bottle of pumped milk if his dad wanted to bond, or I needed help but mostly it was me.

We co slept, which was the 2nd best thing I ever did. By 8 weeks old, dairy free and full supply of milk, he was sleeping in 6 hour blocks. I would wake on my side, feed him and fall back asleep. My body and mind were getting back to normal - I was beyond happy. We went through a leap and sleep regression when he was 4 months old but luckily by 5 months he was sleeping through the night. We moved him to his own room at that point, and by the time I woke the next day, I looked like I had a brand new boob job 4 sizes too big.

Our GP had recommended by 7.5 months to try dairy again. We still hadn't seen our paediatrician yet but were due to any week. He didn't seem to have any of the effects that he used to, the grunting and groaning were gone - and his poo was mostly back to normal. The only symptom he had was waking at night every hour. Our GP said it didn't have anything to do with the allergy and to keep dairy going in our systems. He was waking, hourly, for weeks... and then months. I didn't understand what happened to my baby, who was so happily sleeping through the night. I was getting opinions from friends on his sleep habits, and I tried it all. Someone had suggested routine, so we did it. For ages - and as you know from my 1st post how that worked out. Someone else had suggested he needed more formula. Luckily, we got into our paediatrician by 8 months and she had told me that night wakings were due to tummy pain from the dairy and to cut it again. She said it was okay to give him soy as he couldn't have anything else.

So here I was, by month 9, losing my mind. The more he got up, the more I cut down breastfeeding and added in a bottle. I thought he was starving. So many people said that your supply drops at this age and he needed more milk. I hated giving him soy but there was no option. He was no longer a happy baby by 10 months. He cried all day long, and I cried along with him. He broke out in a massive rash so raw all over his face, which I was prescribed tons of steroid creams that never helped. He had a stuffy nose, day in and day out to the point he couldn't breath at night. He didn't sleep, and neither did I.

I didnt know how I felt anymore. I became so depressed, and I wondered why I was even a mum. I dreaded going to bed, I dreaded waking up. I still loved him, but I physically couldn't do it any more. I fought with anyone and everyone around me, and became defensive to anything anyone said. I wasn't me anymore. I remember sitting and crying all day long, and as soon as the sun started going down I would sit in my room and shake. I couldn't do it one more night, I just couldn't. It had been going on for months, and I was exhausted. Some days, I didn't even sleep. One time I had stayed up for 3 days straight because I thought "why bother". Why lie my head down on a pillow to just get up every 30 minutes. I remember rocking him in the room, screaming, only wanting me. I remember running around the house trying to get a spare room ready with his noise machine, heater, blankets just so I could attempt co sleeping - which never worked out. I didn't want to make any friends, and I was sabotaging the friendships I did have. But I didn't care, because I just wanted help. And no one tried to help me. I felt like no one had cared about me, that I was drowning in motherhood and no one even noticed.

After I spent an entire day trying to give up breastfeeding, thinking it was my supply. I was on routine like suggested, doing things as I was told, and nothing was changing. He was fully on bottles after my friend said maybe my supply is gone. I wanted to give up. I was bawling and called into his doctor. I took him into our paediatrician who took one look at him and said to cut soy. Just like that. She said the risk of having a soy allergy with a milk allergy is super high. That sometimes it can grow in time, or come out in excessive amounts. She said my supply was fine and things would improve. Just like that.

I went home and cut all things soy. Within 4 days, his poo cleared, his rash cleared, and his snotty nose cleared. By day 6, he was sleeping 6 hours in a row, and eventually when we were fully dairy and soy free, he went back to sleeping through the night. Seriously, that's all I had to do? I was in the darkest place, in life and in motherhood, and all I had to do was cut a food group?

From 10.5 months to 11.5 months, I disconnected from motherhood. I was still there, still a mum, still loving my boy, but my depression definitely took over. I was unhappy, and cried a lot. I kept trying to put on a smile for him, because the more I cried, the more he cried. But somedays, I just couldn't. I spent a lot of times present, but not emotionally present. Its something I regret, everyday. No one talks about the challenges with breastfeeding, or feeding at all, that come later in life. I felt completely alone. To have our paediatrician suggest the smallest thing, and for it to fix it, changed my whole world.

There were a few slip ups for giving him dairy and soy when he was with family, or at day care. I would get so angry because I didn't want to slip back into that hole. It takes weeks to have dairy and soy fully out of his system and I didn't want to risk it. Everyday, I worried. Whether I was with him or not. It was all I talked about. I felt like if I plugged it into everyones minds, that there would be no slip ups. My sanity and my relationship with my son depended on it. I became obsessed with his allergies, and controlling every thing he ate. I hated it. Who wants to be such a nazi in life? I didn't. It affected every relationship in my life.

The day he grew out of his allergies, at 16 months, was one of the best days of my life. I could never begin to describe the relief that comes with having such a life consuming issue, be gone. I no longer had to ask "is there dairy or soy in that" multiple times a day, I no longer had to have a feeling of fear when someone else would watch him, I no longer feared the nights. He now sleeps through, the entire night, and to me, that is the best feeling in the whole world. To know he isn't in pain anymore, I cant even describe it. I unintentionally caused him pain for so long, and everyday it hurts my heart that I would get so angry at him, wondering why he was like he was, when it was my fault.

Now that he no longer needs me as a source of calcium, or comfort in the night from tummy pain, we decided to start letting go. He got to a point he became so obsessed with them that all day for weeks, we would just feed as long as we were home. I was so scared to wean him because I wasn't ready to go through such an emotional rollercoaster again. But as I started replacing feeds with his toddler "big boy" milk, and started saying no when he tried, he was oddly okay with it. A month ago if you asked me "how was the weaning going" I would just laugh and say not worth the stress.

But the other night, something changed. If he ever woke in the night, the only way hed EVER go back to sleep was only by me. I was in his room, shutting his window from a wild storm blowing through the Gold Coast and a loud crack of thunder woke him up. He just stood there, staring at me. I had been weaning in the day and hadn't had to worry about the nights yet, but here I was.. 2 am, and what do I do? he pulled his arms up for me to pick him and usually he'd point at the chair and say boo boo (his slang for boobies) but this time, he gave me a hug. All he wanted was for me to give him some cuddles, a sip of water, and back to bed with a kiss.

My heart was full but broke a little at the same time. I knew then that our 17th month journey was coming to an end. I went past what I thought id ever breastfeed, and then some. To this day, if he asks for it, once a day I will say yes, but to be honest, he doesn't even ask anymore. Im not sure why but I feel like a part of me and my heart has gone missing. I never thought that Id feel this emotional over giving up breastfeeding, but I guess in a way, its letting go of your baby, and all the times we spent just me and him, bonding. There were times I wanted to give up, let me tell you, but there were way more times that I never wanted to let go. Some people just see it as a baby, and their milk, and are ready for it to be over before it even begins, and I can say that I know how they feel. But, after almost a year and a half of our journey together, and all we went through, I can say that I would do it all again.

So, it is an end to one chapter, and a beginning to another.

The Foreign Mumma xx