Change

Today my son and I went to the Wiggles in Brisbane as he loves the wiggles and is obsessed with Emma. My sister in law last December had sent out a mass message about tickets to the wiggles and I skipped out because I thought he'd be way too young to even enjoy or know who the wiggles were by the following December, but here we are - hanging with hundreds of other parents singing along to pappadum and Little Sir Echo...

As the rolled in on their big red car, I hate to admit it but I teared up. Not because I was a crazy fan girl (Ok, maybe a little) but because it just made me so happy and overwhelmed to see my son absolutely excited. It made me stop and have a moment about how I have changed. Here I was, at a wiggles concert, trying to keep my tears from making an appearance. It made me realize how fast he is growing. To sit in a room, with hundreds of other people, trying to tame a toddler, alone - I realized how I am not the person I used to be.

I used to be a heavy drinker.. I loved to party. I was never one to have just one beer or one glass of wine, they would keep coming until I couldn't walk. I took a short break from it when I first met my partner but when I moved back home, every weekend was filled with good times with rum and cokes.When my partner eventually came over, we spent usually every weekend doing the same. There wasn't a lot to do where we lived as it was -30 pretty much all the time, except 2 months a year when it was summer, and hot. My son was a surprise as I was told I couldn't have children. Our positive test came after a wild Halloween night (us Canadians LOVE our Halloween), at 6pm, with a very quick and very real double line. I was hung over as shit, and not prepared for that answer. I was always afraid of getting pregnant even with my diagnoses, as I wasn't the most mature. Sure, I worked at a hospital and had my own apartment, but mentally - I was a child. I never thought about my future, didn't save any money, and definitely didn't want to cart a kid around.

I almost instantly could feel myself change when I saw those two lines. I held my belly like I could feel him, and wanted to protect this little mini me. I worried about how far along I was, because less than a few weeks prior we were on an all inclusive holiday in Cuba, drinking our body weight in mojitos and water was chased with vodkas. I worried that he wouldn't grow right, or that he wouldn't make it. The start of the worries in motherhood were there from the get go. Luckily, he was born a happy, mostly healthy - with a bit of jaundice - but nothing I did affected him. He's a bit wild, crazy, and runs around like he has ants in his pants now but that could have been the ridiculous amounts of sugar I had throughout my pregnancy.

I never thought in my life that I would be putting someone ahead of myself - my needs and my wants. Don't get me wrong, I have always done stuff for others such as family, and my partner but I always make sure that I am taken care of - always. I never thought Id ever have to say no to something I wanted, in order to give someone else something. If I wanted a new pair of boots, I would go out and get them- or if I wanted to get my hair done, I would. I had my own money, and I did my own thing.

Being a stay at home mum never really crossed my mind before I had my son. I always had ideas of having him, staying home for 6 months and heading back to work. After I had him, I came to realize that it wasnt as easy for me as I thought it would be. I love being able to spend my days with my boy, to watch him grow and learn, to laugh with him and maybe even get a cuddle. I am lucky that I have a partner who has a good job, and is hard working, so that we can have those times together. 17 months in and I am finally thinking of going back to work soon - and its mostly for the benefit of my son to socialize as 1 day a week for him right now isn't enough.

I dont think there are some partners though who get what mum life is all about, some who think we stay at home watching 6 episodes of orange is the new black while the baby takes care of himself, or the toddler quietly colors in the corner with no noise and eats all his breakfast, lunch and has a 4 hour nap. Mum life has to be the hardest job I have ever had. It can have times of quiet, and times things click, but trying to figure out how to mentally grow a little human is the most draining thing. Especially when that little human tries to body slam himself into the cement floor 12 times a day when he doesn't get his way.

I always put myself last now. And not even in a way that it bothers me. I know there are many mums out there who want to put themselves first, make sure their needs are met, in order to happily meet the needs of their children and partners - but that's not me. Not anymore. When I wake up in the morning, after pulling my son out of his cot and get him ready for the day, I make him breakfast. After he is fed and happy, I take him for a walk outside as he loves the fresh air, and every little animal we see along the way. Once we get back, I make sure he is happy and has an activity or quickly watch a song or two by the wiggles.. Ill grab a quick breakfast while packing him some food before we hit town to play at the park. We spend ages there before we sit down to have a bite to eat before we head home for a nap... the nap that we always argue about and wrestle to do - but it gets done. During the nap, I have enough time to do all the chores, fill some orders for work, and maybe have a shower. After that he usually wakes and I make him lunch.. the day continues this way. The way where you make sure all your kids needs are met, they are happy (mostly) and then you meet yours. I cant help but do it. I eventually put myself in there but I just cant manage to do it first. Any time we do anything, I think about him. Whens his nap, does he have food, is he dry, too cold, too hot, is it too sunny.. Ive never just taken a minute to worry about myself.

I sometimes sit and think how much I have changed. I still have a lot of things about myself that make me, me - but, my priorities are 100% different from what they used to be. I never thought that id spend all my savings, time, and energy - into a little human. But nothing makes me more happy in life than to see him happy. Even if it means sitting in the nosebleeds, with hundreds of screaming children, singing along and tearing up - to the Wiggles.

the Foreign Mumma xx