Grateful

It took me a long time to accept my living situation. When we found out we were pregnant, I was so excited to have my family around not only to watch my family grow, but for help and to learn from them. Shortly into my pregnancy, we found out that my partner was getting deported and eventually we moved to Australia - which was 14,000 km and 3 plane rides away. I was devastated as not only was it my dads first grandchild, but it was my first baby.

We moved into my partners mums house for the last 3 months of my pregnancy and the first 9 months of my sons life. I was happy to have his family around but I quickly learned what a challenge it would be for my emotions, and for my heart. My partners sister (who's son was 2 weeks older than my son) moved in with us when she was in her end stages of pregnancy, and due to travel and us living in Canada, we had never met. Her and I are a lot alike - opinionated, big hearted, and sensitive. Add hormones and 2 newborns and it was a recipe for challenge. She has a close relationship with her mum, and her whole family, which I definitely envied as my mother and I rarely got along for long periods, even though we loved each other, and my only sibling and I had only developed a relationship after my partner had moved to Canada - which has dissolved now since our move. My sister in law and I back home have luckily kept our close relationship and I called her often when I felt disconnected. I didn't adjust well here, I was so overwhelmed and I never did know how to deal with stress. I started seeing a psychologist when my son was 2 weeks old, and I still see her to this day.

I was so emotional the first year of my sons life. Oh boy, did I love him. Everything he did to me was amazing (except wake hourly at night of course), but his smile, laugh, and those eyes - they made my days. He has changed me for the better, and I couldn't imagine going back to a life without being a mum. I wanted so bad for my family and friends to be a part of his life - I even managed to take my son back to Canada for 3 weeks after he turned 3 months old, I needed to see them for my son, self, and sanity. The hardest goodbye in my entire life was leaving my dad with tears in his eyes saying goodbye to his grandson. He waited for so long for a grandchild who he gets to watch grow up through a screen. I have a very close relationship with my dad, I moved in with him when I was 11 and never looked back. He is definitely the rock in my life that I call for some calm when my mind is racing, he always knows what to say and do. How I so badly wanted to be with my family, even for the first year of my sons life, I was not prepared to be a mother and had no clue what I was doing, and to move in with a group of people that I had never really spent a ton of time with one of the scariest things. I knew that my partners family was caring and would be helpful but I never really felt comfortable ever living with anyone, and it took a lot of adjusting even when I lived with Blake. Most of the crying I did after my son was born was for my heartache of missing my family. Most of it would come out on days that I felt alone, and days when I felt my son was left out. Some days it was hard for me to see the bond my MIL would have with my sister in laws son, it was definitely closer than with my son. And maybe it was my fault. When I felt alone, I isolated myself even further. And the more I did that, the worse I felt. You never have the same relationship with your in laws as their own family does. Even now when my partners family does family photos and its just of all the immediate family, my heart hurts. Nothing against them but it makes me miss being home, and I don't think Ill ever get used to that fact. I cried when we would hit milestones, and when it was a holiday, I cried when I saw the closeness between my partners family, and when I was struggling. I felt alone, a lot. And I don't think anyone really ever understood or tried to understand as they weren't and wont ever be going through it.

Its still something I struggle with now but after almost 2 years, I am finally accepting what is. I am embracing that I am my sons mother, that I am here for his milestones, and I care for him like no other. I am accepting that I will not have the same close relationship with my partners family as they do each other, and that even though some days I struggle, my family are only a phone call away. I am grateful for the relationships I have developed and are still growing, after learning to be happy again. I am learning how to smile, to be present, to love with my whole heart - even through my severe struggles with sleep deprivation, depression, and resentment - I never doubted the choice we made to have my son, and I have never doubted being a mother. I regret the time I spent blaming others for the way I felt - that I let every and any situation bring me down. I wish I would have spoke up when I felt as alone as I did, and I wish I didn't let the opinions of others affect how I was a mother. I am G R A T E F U L for the love, and family I have here, and the relationships I have developed. I wish I didn't spend so much of the year letting my anxiety, depression, and mind get to me. I think sometimes its hard to see the light at the end of a tunnel, especially when that tunnel seems so long.

It wasn't until I accepted that I was never able to go home to live, that this was my home, that its okay now that we only see my dad once a year, and that sometimes you don't need a lot of friends to be happy - and it wasn't until I accepted so much change in my relationship that I opened my eyes to become grateful about what IS, and not what I felt my life should be. Not only has the relationships with my partner, in laws, and own family become strong, the relationship with myself has. I wake up (most days) with a full heart knowing that this is where I am suppose to be, and where my son is suppose to grow up. He and I are so lucky to have so many people around us, near and far, that care so much.

I am happy that I have found myself again.

TheForeignMumma xx