A Little Foreign Background

A bit of a long one;

Of course, before we all have children ourselves, we have this idea of how we will parent. We’d be that lucky family that doesn’t have any kids who throw tantrums, who have kids who sleep through the night from just a few months old, who never watch TV, and who breastfed until 1 and moved onto cows milk smoothly. No dummy, no bottles, no comforter they cant live without. Not a co sleeper in sight, no one rocking a 9 month old to sleep. Definitely no toddler in sight who says no to vegetables, and we’d always have time and energy for crafts. And definitely Id have my pre baby body back within a few months.

Oh the ideas we have before we become a parent. Then, like the blink of an eye, everything changes.

When my son was first born, I felt a bond so indescribable. I almost felt I had him my whole life, and I knew how to care for him. I cant say it happened the moment he was put on my chest, the instant bond you are suppose to have, but I had it eventually, and I never wanted that to go away. He was my light. I couldn’t picture a life before motherhood.

We struggled with a few things those first few nights, and by we, I mean me and my son. My partner had gone back to work and I was left alone at the hospital to figure out how to be a mother. When I say I knew how to care for him, I mean, I knew that I would never let anyone or anything hurt him, and I would spend my life trying to figure out how to be the best mom I could for him. But, I had held one..maybe two babies in my life, I was lost.

He hated to breastfeed. Which was almost okay with me as I hated it too. I was never someone who dreamt of breastfeeding, and I never really thought much about breast milk and its abilities. Or the comfort that would come from it all. I had this image in my mind of pumping and bottle feeding from before I ever thought of children, and if I had to switch to formula, I would. I remember to this day the feeling of being so overwhelmed with this little screaming baby that I was trying to feed, pushing me away with every single ounce of energy his 8.5lb body had. He despised it that much. He screamed and screamed, I cried. I tried to remain calm, alone, at 2am. I remember someone shutting my door at the hospital because they were trying to sleep. I must have hit my buzzer a thousand times, trying to figure it out and trying to stop the screams. On day 3 he got admitted to the NICU for jaundice. Its common and I didn’t worry, I almost felt relief for it was a bit of quiet from the storm I had walked into.

I pumped, like a milk cow on her last days. Exhausted, scared, but completely determined. I couldn’t wait to wake up and see him, fast asleep in his little pod. By day 5, he was healthy and we got the okay to go. I almost wasn’t ready to go, out into the world with no buzzer to get help.. but it was okay. Id figure it out. We had a midwife come and check on us for a few weeks, and eventually I was topping him up with an organic milk formula, and then the top ups turned to night feeds, and the night feeds turned to a few day feeds. I just wasn’t getting the hang of breastfeeding but that was okay with me.

Every night, he grunted and groaned and was up hourly. You could hear him from outside, down the street and around the corner. I knew something wasn’t right. He sounded so uncomfortable. I posted on facebook a few times for my mom friends to reply, let me know it was all okay. I went to the doctor to get him checked just to be told he has colic… and “that’s just babies”. Night after night, whether he slept or not, I didn’t. He sounded in pain, and I didn’t know what to do. We saw doctors to assess for lip and tongue ties, and low supply. I went to see one doctor who tried to assess Bentleys failure to latch, but of course he went on like he’d been doing it his whole life and the doctor suggested a supply problem. I got put on a medication to help increase my milk, and he latched – just like that. Eventually we were told to cut out the dairy formula and put him on soy formula, and his grunting and groaning disappeared. I wasn’t aware that its very common to have a baby with allergy or intolerance to cows milk protein, but I was glad we found it out. I cut it from my diet and we had Bentley 99% breastfed by that point. I didn’t like the idea of soy, so we stuck with what we could use.

I had a few breakdowns within the 1st 6 months, but I can honestly say that my son was such a good baby. He was smiley, happy, and rarely cried. He adapted and loved to observe the world. We even managed to take a trip, him and I, to Canada at 3 months. I wore him in a wrap – he slept the entire way, almost. By 6 weeks, he was sleeping in 6 hour blocks, his tummy was happy and he was co sleeping next to me. I loved cuddling him all night, I knew it was for me. We hit a sleeping bump at 4 months but by 5.5 months, he was off in his own cot and sleeping through the night.

Since 7.5 months he was up every 2 hours in the night lasting through to 11 months. Until around 9 months we had no set schedule, no rules, we just went with the flow. I remember showing up to our GP’s office in tears asking what I was doing wrong. Some days it got so bad I was up every 30 minutes, for weeks. I had a few friends and people I knew who had their babies and kids on strict schedules. One thing I have learned is that some babies thrive off routines, and some don’t. I felt pressured to be on routine due to the fact my son was back up hourly and we never really cared for schedules. He did sleep at the same times everyday and we did the same thing every night, but that's about it. I would write posts on Facebook for my mom friends asking them if their kids did this, what did they do… what should I do. I got mixed reviews. Routine.. hes hungry give him more formula…you don’t make enough milk… he’ll get over it. I was exhausted. I was tired of rocking him to sleep for hours on end, I was tired of arguing with my partner because it was so tense in the house from my sleep deprivation, I was tired of feeling like a failure as a mother. I felt like everything I read, and all my friends did, that there must be something wrong with my baby. I even tried co sleeping again without success.

We had tried dairy a few times off and on with no success, so we had been given the approval by our paediatrician to give him soy top ups, and bottles of soy since he was younger. We saw her for his CMPA (cows milk protein allergy), and luckily he’d grow out of it, as most kids do. He was having a few here and there, and being a vegetarian, I was eating it a ton. The more he woke, the most formula Id give him. I felt like he should be on routine, a very strict one. I was arguing with my partner if he was 5 minutes past the nap time, and arguing with my MIL on why she was sabotaging me by feeding my son at 3 and not at 4. I became a negative ball of stress. I became depressed from all the pressure. I was not good enough anymore. I started blaming everyone and anyone around me for why my son wasn’t sleeping. I was racing home from appointments for naps and I didn’t bother to make any friends. I didn’t understand why my routine was not important to anyone, why didn’t they want me to sleep. Routine would mean he would sleep, and no one cared. I felt so alone. Now that I sit back and think about it, I wish I would have taken a step back and realized none of it was intentional, nothing was against me, and no one really understood the black hole I was warping into.

He started having blood in his stool, a face rash that looked raw, and he would strain. Oh he would strain. By 11 months, I took him to his paediatrician who then diagnosed him with a soy allergy. A SOY allergy. Apparently, with CMPA, you have a high risk of having soy allergies but sometimes they may develop later, or show with excessive amounts. The excessive amounts I was giving him because I thought my supply was low, he was hungry, and I didn’t have enough milk to fill him with his demands during routine.

After 4 days of being off soy, his rash cleared and he was only waking every 3 hours – improvement. It got better and better in time. And he was happy. I spent his entire 10th and half of his 11th month crying. As did he. I was pushing him to be this baby that I thought he should be, which in the end was ruining him. I felt relief.

I managed to stay on routine for another month or so, before I realized that it just caused us more stress than any good, and it wasn’t doing anything. I still struggled with him being given dairy and soy, unintentionally, by others but by 16 months, he had grown out of it. He had slept through the night off and on here and there when he'd be completely dairy and soy free, but now... it was every night. and remains every night. And as soon as he did, I had never felt more relief in my entire life. Things got pretty dark some days. As soon as he’d have dairy or soy, we were up again hourly. I spent way to long sleep deprived and feeling alone. I have never been more happy that it is over than I am today. And everyday I wake - generally - happy.

Now that I look back at all our struggles, I wish I hadn’t of let anyone affect me. I wish I had trusted my gut and known my milk was enough, our mostly go with the flow life was enough, and I was enough. I was lucky that for the most of his unsettled night wakings, during the day he was a happy and clever little boy. It was the more I stressed and put pressure on him, did he stress more. I wish I took more time to enjoy his life, than to push what I thought should be his life.

Even to this day, its hard not to compare to other mothers. If I had one tip for new mums, it would be to follow your heart, mind, and gut. Your mum instinct is always right.

The Foreign Mumma xx